Bollywood Protests War

Posted by Darshan on Dec 29, 2004 in DC Fake News | 2 comments

New Delhi, India – Thousands of Bollywood stars, production crews and their servants rallied together in front of the U.S. Embassy in New Delhi to protest against the U.S. led war in Iraq.

From Ash Rai to Hrithak Roshan, celebrities came out in droves. Former guest of The Bindi Show, Amitabh Bachan, led an arsenal of aging legends with pickets, flags and chanting towards the U.S. Embassy gates. Amitabh Bachan chanted loudly, “George Bush – Nai Zindabad. Saddam Hussein – Nai Zindabad.” Followed by thousands of cheers and echoes of the same sentiment.

Sunil Shetty, Bollywood has-been, tells us his take on the war, “The Americans want more than to just take out Saddam. They want the oil. They want to occupy Iraq. Why else would they need hundreds and thousands of soldiers? In the film Border, I single handedly walked towards a tank while repeatedly being shot and bombed and I was still able to take out the tank… and no that would not be considered a suicide attack.” After watching Border and the climatic battle scenes we were reminded of our monthly water pistol tournament in the fields.

Hours of chanting and shouting went by when all of a sudden their good karma turned to bad. While singing and dancing in unrehearsed synchronization it began raining on them. As the rain fell so did their clothes. With each raindrop the protesting women revealed more and more of their sacred skin. Then magically, like hi-fi Bollywood special effects, the embassy transformed into a beautiful snowcapped mountain. Couples frolicked in the first snowfall New Delhi has seen since the ice age. The protesting children made snowmen while Salman Khan attacked women with snowballs. The snow then melted away and gave birth to beautiful flowery meadows and green pastures. The prancing crowd caused minor earthquakes.

“This is insane.” screamed U.S. ambassador to India Robert Blackwill. “In all of my days here I have never seen such atrocious behavior from these people.” He then called for an immediate evacuation of all U.S. citizens in the area.

Riot police were let loose against the crowd. Sanjay Dutt was quick to pull out wads of rupees with which he bribed a few corrupt officials into turning a blind eye to the protest. Following the transfer of about 1 000 000 000 000 rupees, the majority of the officers had been bought out and were instructed to leave the scene.

The earth shifted once again and now we were back in the New Delhi city streets. Rioting, looting and police brutality was occurring everywhere. The Deol brothers could take no more. Bobby Deol with just his 2 fists began battling the police. Sunny Deol leapt from one cop to the next, kicking and tossing them hundreds of metres away. After 5 minutes of intense battle they suffered minor wounds as well as 2 broken arms. They looked around at the scattered bodies and then hugged each other, congratulating themselves on destroying what was left of the police force.

All the while that was happening Amitabh Bachan and the legends broke thru the embassy gates. He jumped up onto the roof where he began addressing the protesting massive. His voice echoed through the streets. Bouncing off bazaar walls, cows and McDonalds. Orchestral music began playing in the background.

“George Bush & Saddam Hussein. I invite you to join me… in a live rendition of my favorite song, Dhosti (hit song from the Magnificent Seven rip-off Sholay). Together we shall sing and dance. Make the love. Not the war!” He said. The crowd began crying. They hugged and rejoiced. Fathers gave away their daughters to men of other castes while mothers got off of their knees and stopped slapping their foreheads. As he did in Devdas, Shahrukh Khan smacked several women in the forehead while confessing his love for them.

It was a beautiful moment. But the war in Iraq went on. So in the tradition of many Bollywood movies, we ask, “What was the point?”