BANGALORE, India — The Roman Catholic Church isn’t alone when it comes to scandal lately.

As the debate rages in the West about the ungodly behavior of godly men, a series of sex scandals involving India’s assortment of god men — called sadhu, baba or swami — is making skeptics out of many Indians.

“Most god men are self-proclaimed, and they are being increasingly outed as hypocrites and fakes,” said Ravi Ghatge, a retired banker in Bangalore. “Then everybody finds out that there is not an iota of spirituality in any of them,” he added.

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Research was conducted on convicted felons of such charges who were of South Asian descent and lived in the Brampton & Malton areas, where crimes of passion are significantly high. The subjects were required to view a series of Indian films while all physical and emotional responses were recorded. Some scenes included song & dance numbers, stranger saving heroine from potential rapists, showing up wherever the heroine goes, the “nevertakenoforananswer” scene, the going to extreme lengths to prove your love scene, the infamous couple trapped in a barn scene and of course the heroine dancing barefoot on glass scene.

After extensive viewings and recordings, researchers found that when male characters behaved in ways that are traditionally considered obsessive, persistent, annoying, suffocating or flat out irritating were actually viewed as being romantic gestures by 95% of all subjects. Subjects felt that to win a woman’s heart you must never quit and that no matter what, she will eventually fall in love with you. Especially when you are given an opportunity to save her life. This pretty much guarantees marriage regardless of whether or not the girl is already in love with someone else including your arch enemy.

DCN had a chance to speak in depth with one reformed stalker/Bollywood Casanova named Ravi Malhotra about the impact Indian films had on his life. “I was just a normal teenager when I first arrived to Canada. When I was in high school the girls would pass me by and my friends and I would stare intently at the girls and make romantic comments. We would call them lovely and sexy. When the girls gave us dirty looks we got more excited, because you see, that for us was the indication that the girl love us.” At this point Ravi broke out into a song from the movie Daar. Once he regained his composure he added, “The more a girl protests and says no, the more she wants the attention. She says no to see how much and how far you will go to show your love. You must prove your love. It is the necessary thing. This is where the romance would begin. This is all what I have learned from the Hindi films I have watched and enjoyed.”

Researches unanimously concluded that South Asian males are influenced by the films and are given the idea that persistence and overt behavior is justified because, according to the films, it is the only way you will get the girl. If you or anyone you know demonstrates these views please hold them tightly and slap them with a fist full of reality.

They’ll shoot the shit about their retired lives, wives, grand kids, great grand kids, and in Lakhan Singh’s case they talk about his sister’s kids because in his 62 years of life he never found a woman to marry him. Once all the small talk is aside they get to the good stuff and start commenting on the female species scattered around the mall. The following statements have been translated from Punjabi to English.
“Oh yeah, we talk and sit and then we see these sexy girls all the time everywhere. Wearing short little skirts and revealing tops. Hai. Showing so much skin. It’s quite the workout for my frail old heart. Sometimes we like to compliment the ladies as they’re walking by. My usual compliment is, Hey Baby! Sexy Girl. We been doing this for about 5 years and I think about 100% of the time the girl’s have no response. I don’t think they appreciate our kind words to them. They usually walk by with a look of disgust which I don’t seem to understand. If it was me in her shoes I would be so happy. Anyhow, yesterday I say my line to this tall supermodel looking Spanish girl and to my surprise she stops, looks back at me and winks. My heart got so excited along with the other thing and I started giggling. I said Hey Baby! Sexy Girl to her again and she smiled even more. She took out a business card and put it in my pajama pocket. My friends were all in shock and cheering me on throughout the whole thing. Then she smiled and her big warm eyes were just sucking me in and I.. was just so excited and said Hey Baby! Sexy Girl for a third time! She laughed and started talking to me. This has never happened before so I didn’t know what to do. I was speechless. We always want the girl but never expect to get the girl you understand? I stood there just smiling to her and saying yes a lot cause my English is not the best. At the end she walked away and kissed my cheek. Man, I was so overwhelmed in joy that I passed out. My friends sat me back up on the bench and I was buzzing and feeling high like I used to back in the day. Now I have this card and her number and it’s been a week and I don’t know what to say. Her name is Viagara Sales. Strange name eh? Then it says, For those who feel they still have it. Ah well, I’ll call her tomorrow.”

Besides her good looks and busy life, Monica wants everyone to know that she is no typical Desi girl and will defend herself to anyone who thinks otherwise.

“First off, I’m no typical Indian girl. Hell no! I don’t gossip or judge people like all those other wack ass tricks out there. I don’t sit around talking shit about other girls’ men and their business. What do I care if Reena’s out hugging up on Tina’s younger brother while her man is busy smoking up and getting it on with that bitch Samina from Oakville. That shit’s so dry. I have my own life to worry about. By the way Samina’s a bitch because she’s always giving me cut eye everytime she sees me. She’s so jealous. I swear I get cut eye from every brown girl out there. Like, get over it. Also, I’m not all jealous like the rest of them. Nor do I go around thinking that every guy wants me. Even if they’re always howling at me and shit when I walk by them. I swear if you knew how many #’s I got everytime I went clubbing you’d call me the white pages. Or brown pages. Haha. See I have a wicked sense of humour unlike those snobby bitches. The only time they even laugh or have a good time is when they’re drinking and smoking. It’s pathetic. I swear they’re all a bunch of groupie ho’s. They die over some man just because he’s got some connection at some club or he promotes jams and shit. Like, please bitch. I was dancing in this Bollywood Superstar show at the Air Canada Centre last year and you should’ve seen them. All googly eyed and jealous cause I was performing with Hrithak Roshan. Then I went to this after party with him and some other actors, I swear, they followed the limo in their cars and were stalking us like paparazzis. God it was hilarious. Aaah. What else, Oh… What’s up them being so two-faced and fake. It’s like they keep a knife with them all the time just in case they feel like stabbing you in the back. My ex-best friend, Serena, this West Indian girl, went around talking all sorts of shit about me. Rupy, this mutual friend of ours, told me all the trash talking she was doing. Damn bitch. It’s not my fault your man was wanting to be all up in mine. Jealous kuthi. By the way… I’m really proud to be Indian. I don’t get all happy and flattered if someone mistakes me for a non-Indian. What’s up with that? It’s like they get all disappointed if some non-Indian person guesses that they’re Indian or they don’t mention that they don’t look Indian. So friggin’ insecure these girls. When I got my blue contacts, not that I’m not happy with my natural eyes but my ex-boyfriend worked at Lens Crafters so he always used to hook me up so I just wear them for fun and everyone thinks they’re my real eyes anyway. Anyhow, when I got mine, I saw a whole pack of them get almost the same colour the week later. Like, how fake? You can just tell how fake they look. These girls might as well get boob jobs while they’re at it and then they wouldn’t have to keep putting tissues in their bras.”

“Oh another thing that makes me so different is that I dON’t tYPe aLL wACk LiKE THiS wHEn I’M cHAttINg oNLiNE. WHaT’s uP WiTH tHAt iLLiTERaTe SHiT??? And I’d never meet someone off the net. I meet enough guys every weekend. Please, no more. Well actually, I did meet a couple guys but that was because I needed some tickets to this jam and he had some hookup. We still talk every now and then. I think we made out one time but I was drunk so I don’t fully remember. Oh and then there was this one guy Sunny. We’re really tight now. I do rakhi on him every year and he calls me his older sis. How sweet eh?”

“Anyway, I swear any guy would be so lucky to be with me because of my uniqueness. I’m really proud of myself and who I am. My parents are especially proud of me.”

Balwant was once regarded as one of the most respected and nicest individuals the neighborhood had ever seen. He took part in most of the community events and was a regular at the National Sports sales events where he stockpiled on clearance t-shirts to send back to under privileged children in Punjab. Life was good for Balwant until one day it all came crashing down.

“I had everything going my way. A wonderful wife, great kids and an XBOX.” Balwant explained. “I came to Canada in 1978 with just $3400 so I knew I had to work hard to live the good life here.” As the years went by Balwant became a certified Class A mechanic and eventually opened up All-Star A-Plus Top Notch First-Class Auto Collision in the Kennedy & Steeles area. “Business was great. The apnay (our people) drivers kept ruining their cars and kept coming to me because they recognized me from all of the community events I was involved in. They knew I was honest and would take care of their vehicles.”

However, as mentioned earlier, all changed on the night of October 31, 2003. As the last of the trick-or-treaters were heading home and about to settle in for the night, Balwant decided to stay up in his living room and watch a little television. “I was tired but didn’t want to sleep so I decided to watch some TV before going to bed.” As the hours went by Balwant kept flipping through the channels and eventually fell asleep. “There was nothing on but infomercials with half naked girls begging desperate men to talk to them on the phone for huge amounts of money, so I fell asleep.” What Balwant didn’t realize was that he left his TV on and running on channel 39, Showcase – Television Without Borders, which was famously known for its late night foreign erotica and skin flicks.

As Balwant lay on his sofa, a few hoodlums were still out on the street celebrating Halloween. One of the children was the son of Balwant’s close friend Harinder Singh Sodhi.

“Usually Uncle Balli is asleep at like 10 but I saw his light on in the living room so I went over to scare him you know… it’s Halloween man.” Sodhi’s son explained. “So like I got up to the window and I put on my Scream mask and looked in about to knock on the window when I saw… man this is whack… but dude had some porn running on his TV and his hands were on his crotch so I got the hell outta there.”

Eventually word of Balwant’s late night self love encounter spread throughout the community and with that his reputation dwindled.

“I didn’t know it was on that channel… and my hands weren’t on my crotch… I was just… you know… rearranging myself.” Balwant said in defence of the accusations. “Now whenever I go outside kids greet me with taunts and teasing. They call me Uncle Horninder. Imagine how embarrassing that would be? My wife left me cause she felt ashamed that she was not pleasing me and the women in the garage stopped inviting her to their various gatherings. Bloody hell man. That Showcase station has ruined my life with their bloody subtitled sex films. That’s the last time I’ll be watching stupid Showcase anymore… oh chit… don’t put that in the article ok? That is off the record.”

Cindy Johnson, 35, a dispatcher employed at Blue Taxi, filed for divorce from her Indian born husband due to “irreconcilable differences.” Johnson, who surprisingly married 4 men of Indian nationality in the past and divorced all, met her estranged husband 18 months ago and had a shotgun type wedding in India. Johnson argued that she could no longer live with him because they could not work out their differences. However, there are two sides to a story. DCN News had a chance to interview Johnson’s husband at his Uncle’s residence in Brampton.

Rashpal Singh, 24, a rickshaw driver who worked the streets of New Delhi, met Johnson through his relatives in Brampton, ON. It was a dream come true for Rashpal, as he had finally met the woman of his dreams. The two immediately hit it off as they began exchanging letters and photos for several months. Rashpal stated, “The moment I laid my eyes on her I thought I was dreaming. Her skin bas [was] so fair, but I did not mind the lines on her porehead [forehead]. Her bloond [blond] hair was a patal [fatal] attraction. I knew the moment I saw her that my friends would be jealous, because we had bet on who would be the first to meet blond haired woman. I finally met my Pamela Anderchon [Anderson].” Rashpal’s Bollywood love story came to a crashing end the moment he laid eyes on the divorce papers.

To the average Bollywood fan, this seems like a sweet love story gone wrong with sad instrumental music playing in the background. But for the intelligent and wise person, this love story reeks of scam and deception. DCN News, with the help of Desi Force Specialists, uncovered an immigration scam that Canadian immigration officials have not been able to stop for years. Careful investigation revealed that prior to their wedding, Johnson cashed an exact amount of $5,000 dollars in her bank, which was collected from Rashpal’s Uncle Talwinder Sant Singh. After marrying Rashpal, Johnson sponsered Rashpal and he was awarded full Canadian citizenship. Immediately after Rashpal recieved his citizenship Johnson deposited a second amount from Uncle Talwinder, but this time it was an astonishing $30,000 dollars. DCN News confronted Johnson at her Brampton apartment with the evidence to get some answers.

While crying, “I thought no one would find out. Damn that Tall-winder! He promised me it would be a secret. I guess I’m in big trouble now *sobs* It was always about the money, there was no love *sniffs* I was approached by a man 5 years ago while working at Blue Taxi. He asked me if I wanted to earn $12,000 dollars and I said yes *sniff*. He said I would have to marry his wife’s nephew and sponsor him, so I agreed because I wanted the money *sobs*. Rashpal’s Uncle confronted me one day, I guess he heard from his taxi driver friends that I was available for this kind of work and I gave him my price of $35,000 dollars. At first he tried to bargain for $10,000 but he finally gave in *sniff*. The plan was to marry Rashpal, sponsor him and divorce him. There was no love. It was always about the money. I want nothing to do with him. Just tell him to sign the damn papers so I can move on.”

To complicate matters further, DCN News learned that Rashpal is refusing to divorce Cindy. He stated, “I love her! She is the voman [woman] of my dreams. She is my moon, my chun [sun] and my star. I think about her everyday. She made my dream of becoming a truck driver in Kanayda [Canada] come true, but she is missing from my heart. I vill always love her, I vill not divorce her! Never!”

What happens from here is unclear to this reporter. For Rashpal Singh, it is a Bollywood love story gone wrong. For Cindy Johnson, it is an immigration scam that backfired and nightmare that she can’t seem to get out of. As Rashpal drives his transport truck across North America, he will never forget his one and only love…

Note: After publishing to web, DCN News learned that Rashpal finally divorced Johnson. Immediately after the divorce Johnson entered a relationship with an Iranian man.

It all started earlier this month when she started chatting it up with a boy named Lucky, 18, from Brampton who had somehow showed up on Simmy’s MSN list. She instant messaged him to find out who he is and eventually they got to talking about deeper and more intimate things. Lucky turned out to be quite the charming guy and Simmy definitely liked his approach and personality. They exchanged pictures and a few days later they moved from MSN to the phone. They then went on to spend each night talking away and falling asleep to each other’s voices.

A week or two of phone cuddling passed by and they decided to meet up for the first time. They chose to rendezvous at the AMC Movie Theatre in Mississauga. They both agreed this would be a safe and public location that’ll ease any fears each may have had. Lucky arrived first and waited for Simmy just outside the front doors to the theatre. He sat down on the bench and finally Simmy arrived, 15 minutes late. Both were excited and nervous to meet each other and immediately they connected. Lucky even held her hand as they walked into the theatre. Things were moving a long at quite the pace and neither seemed to mind!

Simmy purchased tickets for Legally Blonde 2 and Lucky lined up for popcorn, nachos, candy and pop. They went into the theatre about 30 minutes early and started snacking and talking away. They innocently held each other’s hands and fed each other popcorn. Lucky was just exhilarated by how great everything was going. About 10 minutes before the movie started Simmy received a phone call that she chose not to answer citing that she did not want to be disturbed. Lucky felt flattered at first but then for the next few minutes the phone vibrated non-stop.

“Wow, someone really wants to talk to you eh?” asked Lucky.

“Yea, I’m not even sure who this is. Who cares I’m just going to turn it off.” Simmy replied. She then turned off her phone and tucked it away in her purse. She reached out and squeezed Lucky’s hand and smiled at him.

The previews started and they lifted the armrest and snuggled together for the next hour and a half.

At the end of the date they said bye to each other in the parking lot and shared a short but intimate kiss goodbye. That night they talked on the phone as usual but with lots more to talk about now that they had met and could discuss their feelings for each other. Throughout the call Simmy ignored many call waiting beeps. Lucky noticed the call waiting interrupts during their conversation and was surprised someone would be calling her so late. He did not think anymore of it, as he did not want to seem like a jealous type of guy.

A few more days had passed and their relationship was blossoming. They hadn’t seen each other since the movie but each conversation was getting deeper and both were quite open about how they felt for each other.

The next afternoon Lucky received a text message from Simmy. It read: “Thanks for the flowers!! Love you!”

Lucky hadn’t sent her flowers. He felt a strange feeling in his heart. He didn’t want to jump to any conclusions and wasn’t sure what to reply with. For all he knew the message could’ve been to a girl friend of hers’ who had sent her flowers.

About a minute later he received another text message. “You know you left me a hickey last night!!” Now there was no doubt. Lucky’s heart filled with grief and his eyes slowly watered up but a tear did not drop. He felt anger and hurt inside but did not want to let this consume him. He wanted to turn the pain around and direct it back at her.

That night he called her and invited her out the following morning for breakfast. They met up and he played everything as nothing was wrong. Which was very tough to do but he was quite driven. As they were sitting for breakfast she left for the bathroom. He quickly grabbed her cell phone and scanned through her inbox. Not to his surprise he found many sultry messages from another guy. He quickly replied to one of the messages, “Bring a condom this morning hun. Thanks again for Legally Blonde. I had such a great time! See you soon Lucky!” Before Simmy got back from the washroom a message was waiting for her. Then the phone started to ring. Just as she was coming back out Lucky snuck out of the restaurant and headed to his car, leaving her behind.

Simmy assumed Lucky had gone to the bathroom. She saw the phone ringing. She recognized the number and remembered she told her boyfriend she was going to be at her grandmother’s. She answered the phone. He yelled and screamed. She had no idea what he was talking about. She checked her outbox. She denied it.

“I guess your grandmother’s playing some sick joke, right slut?” was the last thing he said before hanging up.

Lucky didn’t come back. She went to her car and broke down. Feeling like she had been betrayed.

“What are we supposed to do? There are no girls left.” said Amrit Singh of Moga.

Amrit Singh’s parents Harbhans and Surita Singh accept no excuse or justification for their son’s sinful and lustful acts. “We are outraged that he could betray and humiliate us like this. Our other 2 sons found girls no problem, he just wants to hurt us. That’s what it’s all about. He only cares about himself and his dirty desires.”

In an interview with Amrit’s brothers, Tegadhar and Sarban, we learned that they are actually dating and sharing the same girl because they too could not find one for the each of them.

“It had been days since we had even seen a girl and one day we see Santri working at a kulfi stand and it was love at first sight. My brother and I walked towards her and bought a kulfi each. We started talking and mingling and she really took to the both of us.” Tegadhar explained.

As we spoke to more and more locals we found most families are made up of a few sons and maybe just 1 daughter. Some of the sons and daughters could empathize with Amrit’s situation. “Men have needs, what can they do. They can only please themselves to a certain degree… eventually they need someone else’s touch and love. We are a monogamous people so we shouldn’t be sharing the women and that is why some guys are turning to each other as a last resort.” commented Jaspreet Kaur, 16, who receives about 10 marriage requests a day from various parents trying to reserve her for marriage once she has come of age.

We questioned several parents about their views towards females and all hold a very high regard for them.

“The females are our mothers. Without them there is no life. There is no cooked food. There is no clean kitchen and bathroom. There is no clothing on my back. There is no clean laundry. There is no nagging. There is no beauty. There is no gossip. There is no daughter. There is no wife.” said Randip Grewal, who is one of 4 brothers and father to 6 sons.

In a surprise turn of events, one mother came forward to admit she had given birth to four daughters, whom all have passed on, before having her 2 sons. “It was the worst thing a mother could go through. Having 4 daughters in a row. I was an embarrassment to my family. My husband and father-in-law would beat me for not giving them a son and grandson. Daughters are too much of a liability these days. With dowries and everything.” said the mother, who chose to remain anonymous.

The practice of giving a dowry was banned by The Dowry Prohibition Act in 1961.

We asked what exactly happened to her daughters and whether or not she felt any guilt or remorse for her actions. She replied, “3 of them died from pesticide poisoning, 1 was smothered in her crib. They are better off dead than having to live like me.”

“If our parents are complaining about this rise in bisexual behaviour they should stop killing off the girls. They need to deal with the consequences of their actions and ignorance.” expressed Gurpreet Gill, whose fiance left him for a couple of brothers.

Female infanticide is no joke. The state of Punjab has the lowest ratio of females to males in all of India. This is an unacceptable human tragedy.

Amitabh Bachchan, star of over 10,000 Bollywood films, raised a record Rs 4,092 for the underwear he wore and sometimes shared with his co-star Dharmendra during the filming of the 1975 Hollywood western rip-off Sholay.

The Rs 4,092 price of the underwear set a record for most expensive piece of used underwear worn by two Bollywood heroes. The previous record was held by Salman Khan and Vivek Oberoi who were both rumoured to have worn Aishwarya Rai’s panties during savage love making. The panties sold for Rs 4,002 to the highest bidder, actor Gulshan Grover.

Rupinder Agrawal, the new owner of the old underwear, is holding a religious ceremony each day for the underwear’s safe arrival to his village.

Other auction items worth mentioning included a pair of knockoff sunglasses that were worn by Sanjay Dutt during a bar fight over a girl who he later realized was a hijra. The glasses sold for Rs 200 to the hijra’s hijra lover.

Aamir Khan’s fake mustache from Rang De Basanti fetched Rs 400. A vial of Shah Rukh Khan’s tears, from every movie he’s been in, sold for Rs 600. The oscillating fan used to simulate the appearance of wind passing through a Bollywood heroine’s hair sold for Rs 1,100. A set of stunt silicone lips used during kissing scenes were sold by a Bollywood special effects team for Rs 60.

Hrithik Roshan’s extra thumb was severed and sold to a leper colony in Calcutta for Rs 200. Surprisingly, a new thumb grew back in place of the old one. It was then sold to a mysterious scientific organization known only as The Dharma Initiative who wished to study the magic and myth associated with having an extra digit.

The actual script, written on toilet paper, of the film Jo Bole So Nihaal sold for less than the value of the toilet paper. Sunny Deol was heart broken when he learned that the script for the movie he starred in lessened the value of something you wipe your ass with.

All in all organizers were thrilled with the results and funds raised for AIDS. The money was spent on an after party at Mumbai’s celebrity hotspot the Olive Bar and Kitchen.

“One of the first benefits is that we pay under the table. That way the stupid gorment (government) won’t be taking half your money. If I give $5 an hour, you take home $5 an hour. Plus there will be lots of tips. You will get to keep 50% of those tips. If you want a lot of hours you will definitely have them. Since we’re open 24 hours, most of our shifts will be 12 to 16 hours long with one 15 minute break where you can order anything on the menu for 10% off. Good deal eh? My brother owns an Eyeglass store so my employees will also get discounts there. I also have a lot of coupons for other stores and those will be available to you. Every month I’ll have an employee of the month contest who will win free langar at the gurudhwara of their choice. I’ll even go pick it up for them but my gas will be paid for by the employee of the month at 33 cents per kilometre. My other brother has a banquet hall so for our Christmas party we will book it there and everyone can come for only $10 each and they can bring upto 4 of their friends for $15 each. Dinner will still be 10% off. I also offer dental benefits. Every employee will get a toothbrush and some toothpaste free. My sister works at a hotel so they will get free toiletries. She also sells their towels for $5 each.”

As you can see Baldev is definitely committed to ensuring his employees will be well satisfied and compensated for their hard work. The job fair will start Saturday morning at 8:00am and will run until 8:00pm. There will be a $10 fee to get into the job fair and if you don’t get hired there will be a fine for $20 for wasting Baldev’s time a long with a lifetime ban from the restaurant.

DCN would like to wish the best to Baldev and his restaurant. The benefits far exceed what we offer to employees of DCN who all work for a biscuit and chai.